


Repetitive Job Requirements.

by DBSommer



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 15:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30074049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBSommer/pseuds/DBSommer
Summary: The X Men meet a familiar face, much to their annoyance.
Kudos: 2





	Repetitive Job Requirements.

Repetitive Job Requirements

An X Men fanfic

This a humor oriented one. First pure Marvel fic I’ve done, despite being at this for over 20 years. Did a long fusion with Marvel though.  Assume this story can happen at some future point in the X Men’s history after they’ve been at it a while. And it doesn’t really matter who the team’s roster is composed of outside of a few classic characters. You’ll understand why.

You can contact me at: tsommer@zoominternet.net

My stuff is stored at ff.net and ao3

And so it begins

Xxxxx  
It was the dead of night in the X-Mansion. Logan lay in his bed in his room, alone and having placid dreams. Placid for him. Perhaps that was why he suddenly awakened, because peaceful rest was such an exception it put his senses on edge.  
And so he woke shooting bolt upright, finding death standing next to his bedside.

Or at least a figure that looked like it. Purple robes with the hood drawn forward but showing a bleached white skull devoid of emotion, empty eye sockets staring in his direction.

He popped his claws and aimed them at the figure’s throat. No reaction. Logan extended his senses to the intruder and felt nothing. Or more accurately a nothingness so vast it made the Grand Canyon look like a gopher hole by comparison. It was impossible anything remotely human could create that effect. This was the one and only Death Itself before him.

As Logan processed this information a cry of *X Men! Come to Cerebro now! It’s an emergency!* courtesy of Prof. X echoed in his head. Logan chuckled at that. An emergency? Oh Chuck had no idea.

“Well, better get this over with.” He lamented the fact he didn’t have a cigar handy. He would have loved the image of being escorted to the land of the dead with a lit stogie in his mouth. He wondered what the specific circumstances of his death were. No one else was in the room. Was it natural causes? Him? An X Man? Maybe he finally ran out of regeneration, his cells throwing in the towel after healing him from every possible injury for decades on end. He’d have given them each a beer for their service if he could.

But Death did nothing but stand there: unmoving and uncommunicative. As seconds passed by, Logan got the idea that Death was… angry. It wasn’t anything specific, nothing he could explain in words, but somehow he was certain it was true.

Well, if he wasn’t going to end up in –okay he could end up in two very specific places and while he liked to think he’d earned his way into the better one, who knew—then he’d better answer Xavier’s summons. He put on some pants, since if Death changed her mind at least his junk wouldn’t be hanging out in the open and headed for Cerebro as fast as he could. 

As Logan ran down the hall he looked over his shoulder and found Death at it, following him. It didn’t appear she was moving exactly. There was no sense of locomotion like running or flying. She just seemed to be hovering over his shoulder, neither gaining ground nor falling behind. Almost like a second shadow that had shown up and attached itself to him. It was annoying, to be honest. 

He entered the room where the rest of the X Men had already gathered. Well he had an acceptable excuse for being late seeing as he had a visitor who had taken up his attention. However he also noticed that Death was now in the center of the room, and no one was acting surprised at its presence. He looked behind him to see his Death was now gone. 

“What the hell is going on?” Logan shouted.

“That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out,” Xavier said, turning his attention to the thing in the center of the room who still radiated a sense of anger. “I awakened to find this being at my bedside. Once I ascertained it is exactly what it appears, I assumed the worst. However it did nothing to me. Then I sensed others being distressed as well and determined everyone was simultaneously being confronted by Death. I figured it best if we gathered here and discussed the matter.”

“I think I know what it is, Sir,” Cyclops said. He looked the group over. “One of us is going to die. And soon.”

At that moment an emergency claxon filled the room. Prof. X determined it was from the Shi’ar Empire and put the image on the viewscreen. 

It was Lilandra, in a royal outfit which showed signs of damage. Explosions could be seen in the background as everyone ran around in panic. “Charles, the Empire itself is in great danger. I’m afraid Cyclops’ father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s plumber has launched an attack to obtain the Omegahedron Anti-Life Crystal. If she gets her hands on it, it could be the end of everything.”

Colossus, in his armored form, considered her words and became puzzled. 

Everyone else looked to each other. Jean said, “It looks like we now know why Death showed up. The only question is how many of us will fall.” And all looked to the silent figure in their midst.

“Aw, it doesn’t matter,” Logan said, “We’re heroes. We’re going to leap into the jaws of danger, and maybe even Death itself, like we always do, and smile about it.” He really wanted a cigar so he could blow smoke in her boney face in contempt. 

The others went to the hanger to prepare the Blackbird for interstellar flight. Then the entire compliment of X Men would board it, looking each other over and wondering who would not be returning. Except Colossus who was still puzzled. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Much later the Blackbird touched down in the hanger, looking perfectly fine. The landing ramp deployed and an entire compliment of X Men walked down the ramp.

As they gathered at the base, Cyclops said, “That went a lot better, and easier, than I thought it would.”

“Plumbers are not the threat most think they are, eh?” Gambit offered.

“Odd how it turned out all those explosions going on when Lilandra contacted us were from a random gas leak and not an attack,” Jean pointed out.

“And everyone’s still alive.” Relief was in every one of Storm’s words.

Colossus said, “Comrades, I do not think our foe was related to Cyclops at all. In fact Lilandra actually said he was not, though made it sound like she was.”

“Given how things usually go, it was kind of a safe bet he would be,” Nightcrawler pointed out.

“Well, we still got a problem, boys and girls,” Logan said, smoking a Shi’ar cigar, which tasted like a regular cigar but somehow gave off smoke that smelled like a ripened orange. He really needed to get his hands on a normal one. He pointed to the problem.  
Death was still hanging about the team.

“This is really getting on my nerves,” Jean said, which the rest of the team agreed with. “She just hovers there. I keep expecting someone, anyone, to keel over dead. Or maybe all of us blown up when a meteor drops on our heads. I mean shouldn’t something have happened by now?”

“And she keeps following each of us around individually simultaneously whenever we split up. I mean, sure, it is Death and can be everywhere, but it’s trying even my patience,” Nightcrawler added.

“I’m not sure I’m going to be able to pick up women with Death hanging out with me like she’s my wingman,” Iceman said. “And the women that would be turned on by it, I don’t want to date.”

“I am at a loss,” Prof. X admitted. “Cosmic entities are more up Reed Richards line. I’ll give him a call.”

Wanting the matter resolved, everyone followed Xavier to the communications room where he dialed the Baxter Building. Reed was in residence and answered immediately. Xavier explained the situation.

Reed considered the words. “Cosmic entities like Galactus are what I’m used to dealing with. I haven’t had much in the way of interacting with Death. But I know someone who has, in a manner of speaking. And he can be there shortly. Let me make the call. You should wait outside since that’s where he’ll pop up.”

The entire roster of X Men did so, constantly looking behind them since Death was always there, following.

It turned out Reed was good to his word. Within ten minutes a glowing yellow streak of light appeared in the sky and landed amongst the group. It was revealed to be Quasar, Protector of the Universe.

He greeted the group then noticed the robed figure among them. “Yep, that’s Death all right. Mr. Richards said she’s been hanging around you for a while now. As talkative as usual?”

“Cosmic level silent treatment,” Logan confirmed. Although the sensation of irritation from her seemed to grow.

“Then we’re going to need a go-between. And no, I don’t mean Thanos,” Quasar clarified. “As it turns out I have a very gabby personal Avatar of Death called Kid Reaper. He loves to talk and should be able to clear things up.”

“It would be appreciated,” Cyclops said.

“Okay, so the way I usually summon him is I think of the last cosmic type entity I want to see and--.”

Sure enough, thought was deed and a small cherubic skeleton with a tattered hooded cloak and small scythe appeared out of nowhere. Upon closer inspection it looked more like he was wearing a black outfit with a skeleton on the outside, but the skull was definitely just skull.

He said in a high-pitched voice. “Quasar, old buddy, haven’t seen you in a while and I got the urge to drop by and see how it’s hanging.”

In a strained but polite voice, Quasar said, “X Men, Kid Reaper. Kid Reaper, X Men.”

The avatar looked them over. “Sorry guys, not a mutant and not interested.”

“No, they need you to talk with Death over there to find out why she’s hanging around them.”

He gave a dismissive wave of the scythe. “Oh heck, I don’t need to talk to the Boss for that one. Everyone knows why she hates X Men so much. Well, all us Avatars of Death.”

“Why?” Beast asked.

“It’s easy. I’m surprised you X Men haven’t figured it out yourselves. Guess you’re not as smart as you like to think you are.” Kid Reaper prepared himself for a speech. “So let’s say you have this job. It’s supposed to be an easy job. You just have to do one thing, and once you do it the job is done and you move on to the next one. Only one day you do your job, then someone comes by and undoes it. So you have to go back and do the same job over again. Then you leave, only once again someone comes by and undoes it and you have to repeat the job. And this keeps happening over and over again ad nauseum. How would that make you feel?”

“Upset,” Nightcrawler said. 

Storm held up a finger. “Wait, you mean to tell me--.”

“Death is really, really pissed you X Men keep dying and don’t stay dead. The Afterlife is not the revolving door you guys keep treating it like it is. One or two of you, yeah, it can happen, but it’s like clockwork with you guys.”

All eyes turned to Death and they could feel a cosmic level wave of anger radiate from her. It was *not* a good feeling.

“But we don’t want to be dead,” Gambit insisted 

“Then don’t die in the first place,” Kid Reaper stated. “But all this making the Boss knock you off, then you popping back up and picking up where you left off, only to take a mortal wound and make her come back again, yeah, not winning any points.”

“Some of us never came back,” Jean countered.

Then found Death so close she could see into the infinite blackness behind the sockets.

“*You* do not get to enter this conversation, young lady,” Kid Reaper said. 

Since Storm hadn’t picked up Jean’s dying habits, she ventured into the dialogue. “There have been X Men that stayed dead. Thunderbird, for instance….” Memories surfaced. “Okay but that was only temporary, and he went back to being dead again.”

“And you think having to make him ‘dead again’ made the Boss happy?”

“Oh dear. I see why it wouldn’t. Um, Maggot. He stayed dead.”

“No, he’s back,” Gambit said. 

“Seriously? Him?” Storm could feel Death’s anger grow. Could cosmic entities ever ‘top out’ on an emotion the way humans eventually could? “There must be someone that stayed dead.”

All the X Men put their heads together and in the process began to understand why Death was not thrilled with their behavior. Even Mimic, who had been an X Man for about ten minutes and had apparently died for years had returned. Necrosha really undermined a lot of what otherwise could have been some decent contenders.

Giving up, Cyclops acted as spokesperson. “So, how can we make this up to Death? What if one of us were to die?”

“Would you stay dead?” Kid Reaper asked.

Everyone looked to one another. “Considering the manner in which many resurrections have taken place, we can’t make that guarantee even if we tried to stay dead.”

“Right. So you’re back to square one.” Kid Reaper informed them. 

“So what’s Death gonna do to us?” Logan asked.

Kid Reaper looked to Death in unspoken cosmic level communication. “Since you’ve been harassing Death non-stop for years, she’s now going to do the same to you. You’ve heard the phrase, ‘Death looking over your shoulder’? It’s not just a saying as far as you’re concerned. That’s where she’s going to be from now on.”

“Doesn’t Death have something better to do than bother us 24/7?” Beast asked. 

“Cosmic level entities are great at multi-tasking on levels you literally can’t imagine, and no, she doesn’t. So according to the laws of the universe, you are officially screwed.” The death avatar shrugged. “Take it from the guy with a scythe: you reap what you sow.”

And it turned out that contrary to popular opinion, Death really wasn’t a foe the X Men could best. At least not when it came at them in an unconventional manner.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

[End fic.]

Just an idea that came to me about how the trope could come back and bite heroes in the posterior. Hope you enjoyed. 

And yes, since it seemed every powerful foe, no matter how unreasonable, are related to Cyclops in some way, I parodied the trope and got to use a Spaceballs reference at the same time. Joy.

And since this is a Marvel fic, a No Prize to anyone who knew what the Omegahedron was originally from off the top of their head.


End file.
